Welcome to my story. I’m so glad you’re here! There are 13 posts in this series, and I will update the links as I post them:
- Memories of Divine Light
- Remembering: El Shaddai
- Descent into Darkness
- Brush with Death
- Visions of Glory and Bliss
- Miraculous Healings
- Chasing Supernatural Experiences
- When my World Caved In
- Understanding: It’s All About Love
- Rebirth Into Divine Love
- You Are Eternally Loved
I invite you to come along with me as I share my memories of brilliant light and unbelievable love, my descent into darkness and depression, and my reconnection and rebirth into Glorious Love. Mine is a story of supernatural experience intermingled with beautiful and broken humanity, the story of a spiritual awakening, of finding and reconnecting with a love I forgot existed, the story of an explosive, incomprehensible light that fills, awakens, heals, connects, animates, empowers, and spills out of every crevice of your being. This is part 5 of my story.
When I was 19, I had a transcendent supernatural experience that changed the course of my life.
Up until that point, I had been holding onto memories of things I could not verbalize. Impressions of things that were incomprehensible to this physical reality. Glimpses of things I couldn’t understand, except by certain phrases or passages from the Bible.
“I AM who I AM”
“In his presence is fullness of joy.”
“The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
I knew that I knew that I knew that there was a light shining with the radiance of a million suns somewhere beyond this physical reality, and that this light was the being that we called God. I remembered joy, bliss, wholeness, and purity in his radiance that is impossible to even come close to understanding or describing, let alone experiencing in this world. My greatest desire had been to “seek him with all my heart and find him” somewhere in this world but my own brokenness and wrong beliefs about God had led me instead to the brink of suicide.
Shortly after my almost-suicide attempt, the very thing I had been searching for and dreaming of happened to me.
The incomprehensible God of love showed up in my bedroom.
Not a dream, not a whisper in my spirit, not a glimpse of something I could barely remember. No, this experience was more real than any part of my life before or since.
I had gone to bed, and the room was dark. My eyes were closed. I was wrestling with my usual demons: depression, loneliness, suicidal thoughts. Voices screamed in my head telling me I was worthless, and I felt like I was suffocating in my own despair.
And suddenly Love swallowed me up.
One moment I was in darkness, and the next, love such as I had never felt in this world was washing over me in waves. I felt like I was lying in the middle of an ocean and the waves were washing over and over me, above me, under me and around me. The ocean was made of love, and each wave soothed and healed and comforted beyond belief – there are simply no words to describe how it felt. Even the word “love” falls short.
This love was not just a feeling, it was something real, something tangible. It was bliss, it was rapture, it was incomprehensible peace. I felt it through every atom of my body and it washed my mind with love, bliss, and comfort. It was more real to me than the bed I was lying on.
This love was not love as we know it. It wasn’t just a feeling or a force, it was a Being. It was love personified. I knew instantly that I was in the presence of the God I had always known and remembered – but “God” no longer seemed like an adequate word to describe who he was, much less what he felt for me. It was the most intimate, the most tender love, the deepest of knowings, like a child being nurtured in its mother’s womb and being known and held in its father’s arms at the same time. I knew instinctively that this was where I belonged. This was where I had been born from and where I had been grown and nurtured. I didn’t even have to think “this is God,” or “this is my creator.” It was just a given; my spirit knew and remembered him, and the intensity and comfort and security of that relationship is beyond my ability to describe.
It didn’t seem strange or unusual that I was suddenly wrapped in this unearthly love. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world when it was happening, because I had experienced this love before. It was like my earthly life had been but a moment, and I was awakening after a dream and remembering what had been true all along. All the pain was gone, completely forgotten in an instant. My only reality was this incomprehensible love. I just laid there in my bed and soaked in an ocean of eternal, present, intensely personal love. I do remember thinking, “Finally! All these years of searching, wondering, and missing you, and you are FINALLY here.”
I’m not sure how long this continued but at some point I left my room. I’m not claiming to have left my body; I don’t know. I never opened my eyes. This experience was not visual in the sense that we understand vision. It was far deeper and broader and more real. It was pure consciousness – pure knowing.
It was as if my consciousness expanded out of my head. I remember being up – was it in the sky? It was as if I was above the earth – somewhere in the universe. And I could see everything that existed, which seems impossibly ridiculous to say now, but at the time it was the most normal thing in the world. A being was with me to my left – not God but someone else – and this being was made of light. If I knew who it was at the time I don’t remember now. I was communicating with him or her, absorbing knowledge.
As I communicated with this being, my consciousness expanded infinitely. It was as if I grew and filled everything I thought about. I could know anything I wished to know. I would have a question in my mind and instantly I would know not only the direct answer to that question but how that answer connected to everything else in the entire universe. I felt like I had “the key;” I knew what it was all about, the answer to everything. I remember thinking, “Of course! It’s all so simple! How did I forget?” I could see the cosmic master plan, and I was shown what my purpose is in this world and how it fits in with the master plan.
I was reassured that I was fulfilling my purpose, and that even though in my earthly life I had been overcome with feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and depression, that there was no reason for these feelings. I had agreed to come and live a life on earth to accomplish certain things, and God’s plan was unfolding itself in my life perfectly.
I saw that God’s plan is like the grandest, most powerful, most beautiful orchestra. We are all singing our notes in their proper time, and there is nothing, I repeat nothing, we can do to mess it up. When I was in that place it was like flying in an airplane through storm clouds and coming out above into the bright sunshine. The only difference was that looking down on the earth, I could see that the storm was just an illusion. The whole earth was actually full of brilliant light, and we were all like toddlers, stumbling around and making mistakes, securely and eternally held in our creator’s love. The idea that we could ever get away from his love or mess things up beyond repair was unthinkable.
I can still take myself back to this place and remember the immense relief that I felt with this revelation. At the time my life seemed so dark and miserable, but when I was in that place I saw how unnecessary all of that baggage was. It was like waking up from a bad dream and remembering that there was nothing to be afraid of. I saw how my life was unfolding perfectly, how God was pleased with my progress, and how no matter what happened to me, God’s love was the ultimate reality of my life, of all of our lives. I was securely held in an immense love, the magnitude of which we cannot even begin to grasp here. God’s symphony was playing, and there were no missing notes.
I knew that I had to go back and finish my life, to complete the mission I had chosen to come here for. I knew that nothing would change, that I had to find my way through the darkness, and that I was walking through all of this for a perfect reason. I was given to understand that there was a way out of the depression, shame, and despair – that those were reactions I was choosing to have. I did not have to live that way; I could choose to be free. But I had to go back, figure it out, and walk through all the steps that would lead me to healing – it was all part of the growth process.
I knew that I would not be able to remember the answers I had been given, but that the knowledge of the experience would be enough to give me strength.
I came back into my room, (actually it felt like I shrank back into my head), and found myself still swimming in love. As I contracted back into my human consciousness, I lost all of the awareness and knowledge that I had gained in the expanded consciousness state. While the experience had been happening, I had accepted it without question. It had seemed perfectly normal while it was happening. But after it ended, I laid in bed almost in complete shock at what I had experienced.
The love stayed with me until I drifted off to sleep, and in the morning I could feel its residual effects. I felt a warm glow around me for a couple of days. I could not remember the details of the cosmic knowledge I had learned in my experience. I couldn’t remember what God’s master plan was, any of the questions I had asked, or their answers. I couldn’t remember “the key.” I couldn’t even remember what my own purpose was. I remembered only the things I needed to know to continue on with my life.
I remember that feeling of knowing everything is OK, like running to your father’s arms as a child and knowing you are safe, except multiplied by a million. I remember how it felt to be made aware of the cosmic master plan, of the pure impossibility of messing it up, of the absolute and total reality that all of us are held in the love of God, all connected intimately to God and to each other as we swim in this ocean of love. I remember the immense relief of knowing that God loves me and is pleased with me, and that going through life depressed, guilty and ashamed had been completely my choice.
I recognized immediately that the God I had experienced was different from the angry God I had learned about in church. Yet my spirit remembered him. He was The One I had known before, The One I had been looking for my entire life. I embraced him fully. I began to understand that the church had gotten it wrong; their intentions were good but they had missed the most important thing:
“God is love.”
All the memories of bliss, of oceans of love, and of a heartbreakingly, terrifyingly beautiful light that I had held in my soul, had finally become real to me again. All the unexplained longings, the unanswered questions, were beginning to make sense.
You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.
Nineteen years of searching for a moment of that bliss, of being in the embrace of my truest and deepest love. I had finally found him. And he was love.
And he was indeed El Shaddai:
God who is More than Enough.